Time felt heavy this morning.
I decided to wake up after laying in bed for what seemed like hours. Alexander woke up and per the norm lately, he made his way to our room, wanting to cuddle up in bed with us. Over the weekend, he found himself snuggled in bed with us -we slept in until 8:40 am on Saturday morning- which was glorious -I haven't slept in that late since his birth.
Tonight however, I brought him back to his bed, put covers on him, held his hands, talked to him about staying in bed. He wanted to cuddle --so I cuddled him for a little while, as I told him it's time to rest. "Mami needs rest, Daddy needs rest, Mateo needs rest," I said to him. I told him I loved him, many times. And per his request, I turned on the sound machine to "the pleasant sound", to "the birdies", and finally off. "I have to go potty, mami." "I have to eat, I want to eat pasta, mami" he requested. I kissed him good night and told him I needed to "pee pee" and I walked out of his room.
I went "pee pee", made my way to bed, got comfortable, got comfortable again, and again... my mind became overwhelmed with thought... started thinking about the weight of time and how unbelievably fast the last 2 years have gone. Alexander is 25 months old and I haven't kept his journal as detailed as I once planned nor have I written as many love letters as I would like. Those thoughts felt heavy -felt heavy because time is fleeting and it's not forgiving.
He has gotten, "soo big" -I hear his sweet little voice as he repeats it after we say, "you are soo big". He is so smart and charming, so sweet and loving, so cute and cuddly, so lively and HAPPY, so curious and thoughtful. We like to think he is pretty awesome... for sure the best thing that's happened to us.
Inevitably, I think of slowing time down -the idea of freezing time rolled through my head; and again time felt heavy. I started thinking about all his milestones, his baby chatter, his giggles, his perfect sentences, his repeating of new words and phases, his questions, his kindness, his love, his besos (kisses), his forgiving heart, his warm embraces, his bright eyes, and yes, his being.
Suddenly, I felt a warming grace pour over me and I instantly felt soo grateful for his being, his life, his presence, his love -and I felt grateful for being part of it. How did we get so lucky... He is truly a gift from God, a blessing (the meaning of his name) Mateo.
So I savor. I am grateful. And when I forget to savor, I relearn to savor and continue to savor even when-time-feels-heavy. I want to feel as high and as PRESENT as I felt for the first 18-20 months of his life.
"The days may be long, but the years are short" - Gretchen Rubi.
And so, I want to savor it all. I want to savor the long and hard days -the days of little sleep, the days of putting him to bed and then returning him to bed, again, and again and again; the days when getting him to eat is such a struggle; the days my patience runs thin and I'm in the thick of it. And soon enough, the rhythm flows easier and by savoring the hard moments, we have a deeper appreciation for the calm, the quiet, the simple, the laughter, the snuggles, the simple joys of day to day life. Our live is built on the smallness of the day to day - and because of that- I want to savor it all.
Sitting in stillness, shutting off the outside noise, being present, and enjoying these little moments -as mundane as they may seem at times- that's all I want to do. I want to fully savor this season of life as a young mother. A young mother to this tiny soul. A tiny soul who has had the biggest influence in my life and has taught me so much in such a short time.
When the season feels heavy, know that it's just a season and know that these hard seasons will make you prosper... will make you stronger... and will make you appreciate even deeper.